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Firstly I feel I should apologise for my last blog, which I think we can all agree was both depressing and self indulgent. I am afraid my hand moves swiftly across the keys in bleak times, yet when life is good I struggle to be creative. After weeks of cat pee and poo, life is calming down in Towcester. We moved just over a month ago with the help of my big sister, her van and 2 very willing and kind chums. I am already in love with this quaint little town I am glad to be able to call home. I haven’t done too much research into it yet due to lack of time, but it is a Roman town with its own Museum and many beautiful walks around countryside which seems to surround it on all sides! and of course it possesses a rather old and I’m convinced haunted church. I dare say it is only a matter of time before I drag my ghost hunting counterparts around the graveyard…before that though we have Edinburgh to conquer in the name of woooooooooo! only they will know what I mean by that!

Our days begin early now as we head off for the A5 around 7.45am, with son no2 asking if we will make it to school on time and son no1 tormenting him with ‘wow Jem look at that line of traffic! you will never make it! you will be late for sure!’ and then Jem disintegrating into hyperventilation. To be late for school would be too much for him to bear unlike his older brother who would have skipped school altogether given half the chance!

I am just quietly grateful I no longer return to cat turds in the bath, on the door mat, on the stairs or my personal favourite under a bag of clothes which I picked up and smeared all over my shoes, the rug and the arm chair before I realised they had used some sort of cat faeces superglue to stick the offending turd to the bag! I then picked up the cat crap covered rug to wash it and sprayed myself with feline urine, The said cats just looked at me with ‘if a jobs worth doing’ look on their fury faces. Unbelievably they are still alive! the many threats of their untimely and cruel (at my hands) demise helped me get the hatred and resentment I felt towards them out of my system.
Well I think that is probably enough about Towcester life for now, suffice to say I will be back and a lot sooner this time I hope. I shall try and return with a bit of a book review as I have nearly finished with a little number that I cant decide how I feel about. Always nice to end on a little intrigue I think…

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You got to ask that question when a number of things go so drastically wrong. A few years ago I met someone who changed my life so irrevocably I now couldn’t imagine not having him in my life. We connected on so many levels it was off the reservation, when I spent and indeed spend time with him, its like coming home. He was my Robert Kinkaid, my Jack Mac. If you have read any of those books, you will know what I mean. In short he was my certainty. It wasn’t to be a romance as it turned out and instead a true and kindred spirit friendship, which I am very grateful for. When I thought I had found a home for my heart and indeed that certainty again it was taken from me, leaving me restless, sad and unable to sleep for his heartbeat helped me to do so. My bed seems huge now, huge cold and empty. I have lost two friends, one human and one canine. I am trying to remember and smile, but it is so hard. So much shared and now lost. A million memories surround me in my tiny home, engulfing my fragile heart and causing it to break  all over again. I have decided I will be a black belt in grief after these past years of love and loss. The optimist in me says what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. However, the pessimist whispers what’s the bloody point? how much more can I take? become a nun? a spinster? or just turn to stone? I’m sure none of these things will happen, I have too much to fight for, too many small people to keep going for. so I will continue to plaster that fake smile on my face when they are around, until one day it becomes a genuine one. until then I will not let the rigours of life with a teenager who thinks he’s Rocky, a car without an exhaust, thieves breaking into said car or even a kitten obsessed with peeing on my bed! drag me under. I will sign off by saying a goodbye to my buddy Oscar, how I will miss our walks with our squeaky squeaks and endless losing of them, my failed attempts to get you to heel the way you do with daddy. You will have forgotten me by now, I am sure, I however, will hold you in my heart forever as I will your owner. Have a long and happy treat filled life little man. xxxx       

A year on…

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A year has past, and yet I still hear you. I can feel your hair as it struggled to grow back. Your soft skin as I clung to you or you to me…or both. So much has happened my girl. I’ve embraced love and lost a soul. I wanted so badly to create new life and feel you through that. Probably very wrong of me, but grief is desperate it doesn’t recognise ethical correctness.

When I was in my hospital bed everything reminded me of you. even the little cup they brought my pills to me in. I had watched a dozen times as you had taken them, on automatic pilot, ready to give your date of birth when asked. The heavy and awkward way you dragged your tired body into bed. My pain was temporary, a few units of blood and I was on my way. Yours was constant, knowing you would never leave, but still a beautiful smile to greet me every time I visited you. Your devastation was palpable Gem, but so indeed was your courage. I talk to you all the time, I cant let it sink in that you really are gone for good,. To function properly would be near on impossible if I did. so many people will be sad today, as I sit and allow the tears to fall, I know I am not alone in my grief. To say I miss you is an understatement. its unhealthy, its unproductive, but I want you here, giggling and calling me hettyspaghetti.

Is this how it will be Gem? year after year, me trying to remember all we shared…will those memories fade? will you? or will you stay clear and bright in my mind as you are now? I hope so. I miss you Gem, every day, I miss you.

 

bogus callers…

As I took my walk through the village of Greenfield in Bedfordshire with my new best friend Oscar I noticed a sign saying neighbourhood watch bogus callers phone this number. Followed by a number. how odd I thought in my vacant blonde head, why would they provide a number for prank callers? terribly kind, and what nice people. giving up their time for prank callers…It then hit me, bogus and prank are two very different things,.Its fun being me sometimes. On we went, Oscar timing his crap perfectly as ever. When we have left the field and indeed poo bins, he waits until we are in front of a perfectly manicured lawn, usually with elderly owner carefully trimming the hedges, and lays a steaming turd for me to try to scrape off the pavement. All part of dog walking I guess.

I should really take my little man out now instead of sitting here tapping away…
I have been reading a book called embracing love. it talks a lot about trust instead of hope, living without fear or worry, as they are the big destroyers of the world. I have to say I am without doubt guilty of feeling fear and worry for a lot of the time. It’s interesting as it gives you advise on mantra and manifestations to re wire your way of thinking. It’s not necessarily talking about relationships either. Love in general in our every day life. However, fear does come into play more when you enter into an intimate relationship. Something I am all too familiar with. Vulnerability isn’t a great feeling and I struggle with it a lot. Love is an intense feeling, we feel it for our children and its like nothing else on earth, what I didn’t realise was how acutely you can feel it for another person, but how does one form the words? It’s that leap of faith and I’m not sure I can take it again. No wonder people get pets, their love is unconditional, but shouldnt true love be unconditional too?

Lest we forget

I thought apart from it being about bloody time! that Today was a good day to blog. I watched with my son as the Queen, her children and her grandchildren lay poppies at the steps of the cenotaph. with much awe and respect. what an honour to be part of a Nation who refuse to forget and continue to remember those men and women who fought with such courage and selflessness. we then went onto the Rugby. England v France. And what a win! well done lads.

I’m fighting tiredness, but can’t sleep until my boys do. Hence me trying to conjure up some or any creativity to blog. I have to say a belated Happy birthday to my girl Gemma Morrell. You would have been 37 on 30.10.12. My son asked me why I miss you and what made us so close today. Quite out of the blue, I wasn’t talking about you. I just replied that we were kindred spirits and it was true love with our friendship Gem. My heart literally aches for you. broken the day you died.

As we prepare for Christmas, sorry you bar humbugs! but it’s just around the corner, so go with it! I have been reminiscing about years gone by and how different Christmas would have been without my siblings, for I think if it were not for our joint optimistic excitement, whipping each other up into a frenzy, I don’t think we would have survived those hard 1980’s years quite so well. Our Father going from job to job and our mother perpetually angry and resentful to the world, which unfortunately included us. How different life is for our little rascals, thank goodness!

My last word is to anyone who lives in the Leighton buzzard area…I promised my buddy peter that I would blog about his awesome book store, ‘Good heavens book shop’ peacock mews Leighton buzzard. if you haven’t been get down there and do your christmas shopping somewhere interesting!!

Ok quote time……..James Branch Cabell.  ‘The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.’

School runs!!!

I’m happy to say that on our own school runs usually the boys and I are laughing quite heartily at something or another. Quite often it is at Jem and one of his random acts!! or indeed one of his off the cuff remarks, always delivered in a dead pan way which makes it all the more amusing…Today was like any other busy midweek morning. pleading with teen son to get out of bed (already dressed and breakfasted, but had returned to bed! an everyday occurrence) packed lunches, keys, bags, right out the door. As we were sat in the traffic jam which waits to turn into their school, I couldn’t help but wonder where all these people would be in fifty years…most dead I guess, but all these days, weeks months and years  spent doing the same thing over and over. Does anyone stop and question it. A life spent in ground-hog day.  How do you find the time to make the difference though?

Interesting bike ride this morning. A future warning to my self, always tie your hair back and wear sun glasses. Fecking flies!

I feel it would be remiss of me if I didn’t mention our newest family member. Boris (my choice) or Torpedo (Jems choice) is a super hybrid Gecko lizard. He wanted a dog and I (stupidly) thought this was a good alternative. I am now living to regret that somewhat naive decision!

Yesterday I turned a few crickets into albino crickets, trying to coat them in the powdery calcium that Boris has to have every day…It would seem I had put too much on, so there was a blind panic as I frantically grabbed some back out and threw them out the front door! I missed one which of course Boris promptly ate after spending days ignoring all the rest!

The moral of this story can only be, when your young son asks you for a dog…you say YES!!!

I have read about three romantic novels on the trot of late and feel they need a mention for their reeling you in power if nothing else. Ok so firstly there is A hopeless romantic by Harriett Evans, You before me by Jo Jo Moyes and also by the same author The last letter from your lover. Forgive me if I’m repeating myself, I’m too tired to check through previous blogs. But they are worth a read if you are indeed a hopeless romantic, like myself.

Ok so the quote for this blog is…my love for Heathcliffe resembles the eternal rocks beneath;-a source of little visible delight, but necessary.

Emily Bronte – Wuthering Heights.

Have you ever wondered what life would be like without it? Imagine if the human race could survive without reproducing. If we never had to come into physical contact with each other. It just wasn’t necessary, we had never done it so therefore didn’t really miss it. How would that change us? would we become colder, cut off from one another locked in our tactileless world? morose as a result of loss of touch and without empathy for one another.

Of late I have realised how much I have missed that touch, leading the solitary life I have done for so long now, I think one can forget how much it can mean. Just a simple gesture, a hug, the holding of hands and dare I say it…the meeting of lips occasionally. I told myself rather stoically (in the sense that my emotions were suffering as a result from this) that I didn’t need this kind of contact, on the contrary something as silly as holding hands was for children or love-sick teens at best. Certainly not for an independent closed off island such as myself! I now realise that of course that is all horse crap. We are like Swans, we need each other. Sometimes needing that one person for life. True love is a gift, if you are lucky enough to find requited love with the one who holds your heart, then I wholly advise you to hold on to it with passion and tenacity.

It’s an odd beginning to this new term. I find it hard to articulate exactly how I am feeling. One son starts his penultimate year at school, while the other is just beginning his secondary education. I feel like I’m coming to the end of my time with them, while also being acutely aware that of course you never really do come to an end (apart from death) as a parent. It’s just insomuch as their need for me is far less now as time goes on I’m finding that they would prefer that I wasn’t around to hassle them and mother them I guess. Which allows me more time to think of me and what I want to do, or should have done, or wished I had done. All rather negative and leaves you feeling rather lost. I have to tell myself it’s never too late to be the person you always hoped you would be. I heard that said once and it has always resonated with me, I kind of wish I knew who said it…T.S Eliot probably…

Well here’s to a new term for us all…and to all parents and children out there embarking on new journeys, I salute you!